After traveling, I somehow feel as if I’m still moving. Or that I never left. That I’m expecting to see Hunter and Artemis and Lynn every day. And to go on another of Samsun’s family “walks”. (his pace is a slow run for others). Mischa bundled in the sltoller. Amanda and her sister alternatively slowing a bit so I’m not soooo far behind.

As we toured the U. of Toronto, where Samsun teaches, everyone else was moving high speed as well. I was told it was exam time so people were stressed.

But yes, I know. I do move slowly now with Lyme. When I’m on my own, it seems like I’m moving the pace I always did. But then I see… not true.

When I went on a walk with Hunter and Lynn and Artemis, this was less obvious because Artemis never stays on the path. We explored – or HE and Hunter and at times, Lynn, explored a ravine. They were all over the place: picking up stones to look under or toss in the stream. Lugging small logs to the water and positioning them to affect the flow. Climbing vertically up the steep hill versus using the zigzag path… This was a time to touch, listen, feel everything in this rich natural environment tucked between the paved city streets above.

Back hiking in New Hampshire, I’m conscious of when I hear a car. I regularly expect to see some kind of wild creature. Peaches will suddenly start barking and running full speed through the woods. Okay, what’s she chasing this time???

But I’m not the 6 year old with no agenda other than open curiosity.

That said, Mischa, who just turned one, could not be more curious herself. She studies faces, expressions. She reaches out to be with the person over there, and then, maybe to come right back to the one she was with. She explores taste and texture and sounds her lips make. She crawls over to get the ball over there. And then sees what it looks like, what it can do. It’s endless. Her brain is going high speed.

I was feeling so restored with the loving family time. And then, I was back home… business stuff hit. It’s not that it’s bad stuff, it’s that my learning is not that of a young child.

I want to believe I know something about what handling this. It’s soon coming up on a year (June, July?) when I took over from Ariella, who had sorted out so much for me. Maybe by the end of that time, I’ll feel that more has been understood. But what I don’t have is the curiosity. More of what I’m seeking is the sense of control. And that, or course, is never going to be totally possible.

I’m not sure what I’m doing would be called “exploring”. I have learned a lot. if this was a game, say basketball, and I was stepping in to a team, I’d be learning how to play.

Play. Wouldn’t that be amazing: the day I could call this “play”. Something I would do with my long – neglected art. And something I still do with my sweet pup, Peaches.

“I’m ready.

I’m always curious

Always exploring.” – Peaches