who am I?

Peaches – early. morning, day before daylight savings ends

Thursday:

Growing up in a family of 6, it wasn’t a question of who you were. That was said and done for you. I was #3.

I was the one who was easygoing. Which basicly meant, I didn’t stir the pot. I hid. By being good. I’ve mentioned my problem eyes, and the transformative operation that resulted in straight eyes and clear vision. By then, I already had my strategy.

So lately, in this darn blasted rotten terrible battle with Lyme, I suddenly hit rage. Rage at this darn disease that “one operation” won’t suddenly heal. And one practitioner can’t solve it FOR ME in a minute.

I’ve told everyone – NOW I’m going to heal this disease. This is the time, even though this is year 7. “Watch me!” I want to prove it.

My egotistical self is shouting out. That I do have the rage that I saw as my father’s. And the judgment that I put on others. It’s all in me. I’m feeling this fury inside. This desire to vent at any kind person who offers kind words. Forget optimism. Forget “think positive”, “raise your vibraton”. Meditate – why??? Everything you hear over and over.

I’m a mad 2 year old. I’m a pissed off teenager. I’m an older person that it’s best to – yes – keep your distance. Grrrrrrr.

I phoned my sister, Louisa, with this chorus of anger boiling out of me. She, of course, loved it. I was always trying to get you angry when you were young – she tells me. That’s why you kept asking for my favorite toy? Memories of childhood.

Feelings – they come and they go.

Yeah, but how about Lyme?

I never said I wasn’t stubborn. Stubborn: I am. I will get this Lyme. It will go. I stay positive.

(was that optimism?)

Friday:

I feel better today Not because of my, yes: stupid Lyme. But something has shifted. Like an animal that growled and shook herself off, and then got back up, still hurting but ready to go.

I’m ready. Ready to benefit from this person’s advice,

that person’s skills,

those magic potions.

I’m ready to go back out.

Slay the dragon.